Part 3: Name It to Tame It
Note: This blog is not intended to be a self-help guide or a replacement for professional help, but rather a story of hope and healing. I will link perinatal mental health resources at the bottom of each post.
Part 3 of 3
I've mostly addressed the OCD symptoms in these posts, but on the rare days that I wasn't consumed with anxiety, something worse took it's place. On Christmas Eve 2023, I woke up feeling completely empty. Surrounded by family, I could barely eat any dinner and as my daughter slept peacefully in my arms, I felt absolutely nothing. The feeling of nothingness is absolutely terrifying. At least when you are sad or angry, it generally comes from a place of passion. I felt like I was merely existing, but had no real purpose. I had no hopes for the future and no desire to do anything. I sat and smiled for family holiday pictures in matching pajamas while contemplating death.
On Christmas Day, the anxiety returned full force. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. I considered going to the hospital, but decided to take my emergency anxiety medication instead, which helped me get through the remainder of the day. I realized that at this point I needed more help. I reached out to Postpartum Support International and a local volunteer gave me the names of a perinatal psychiatrist in the area. Unfortunately, her first availability was two weeks out. How was I going to make it that long?
When I finally had my appointment with the psychiatrist, she was very kind and also straight forward, which I really appreciated. She diagnosed me with Post Partum Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and increased my medication, now Zoloft. It never occurred to me that my symptoms were OCD. Apparently I had a subtype of OCD known as "Pure-O," where there are no physical compulsions such as repeated handwashing, counting, etc, but the mind still ruminates on certain intrusive thoughts, basically trying to think it's way out of the situation.
I later learned that my excessive research on sleep and monitoring of my symptoms were a type of compulsion known as "reassurance seeking," which is common in OCD. Additionally, I would ask family and friends if I was going to be okay because my thoughts told me otherwise. Reassurance-seeking provides temporary relief for OCD, but eventually strengthens the obsessions.
Having a proper diagnosis was just a small step in my road to recovery. Slowly, I stopped waking up with the feeling of dread every morning. As my daughter became more interactive, I slowly developed a bond with her. I remember the first time she smiled at me on a snowy morning in January. My whole body felt a warmth that I had never felt before.
I returned back to my hobbies and slowly started to feel like myself again. When it came time to go back to work, the anxiety and intrusive thoughts shifted to my job. I woke up sweating in the middle of the night, my intrusive thoughts telling me I would fail at my job, causing my daughter to lose her insurance. My doctor put me on sleep medication and I started taking the emergency anxiety medication daily just to help me get through the transition.
Despite the worsening of my symptoms, I developed an attitude of doing the opposite of what my thoughts told me. Basically a "fake it till you make it" kind of mindset. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and was determined to make it through.
I was pleasantly surprised with how well I transitioned back to work. Having the routine and social interaction helped me feel like my old self again. Not to mention, my supervisor had gone through her own postpartum struggles so she was incredibly flexible and understanding. Plus, going back to work gave me the opportunity to miss my daughter and actually strengthened our bond.
As an adjunct to the medication, I started Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy (ERP) with an OCD specialist. This is the leading, evidence-based treatment for OCD and it was a gamechanger for me. ERP therapy involves exposing the individual to their obsession without engaging in a compulsion. The idea is that by sitting with the discomfort and uncertainty of the obsessive thoughts, the brain eventually habituates to them, thus weakening their power. For my exposure, I recorded myself describing the worst case scenario of my PPOCD returning. I then listened to the recording on repeat for a set amount of minutes. The first few sessions were difficult and I cried each time, but the more exposures I did, the less "real" the scenario felt.
After the Exposure therapy, I transitioned to a trauma therapist to begin the healing process. I had been through hell, but calling it trauma seemed unfair to those who have survived way worse. However, my psychiatrist termed it as Trauma with a capital "T" because it was not just a one time incident, but rather an extended cycle of internal torture. I still see my therapist weekly and her work has played a pivotal role in my recovery. She's helped me unblend from the parts of myself that no longer protect me while also teaching me how to set boundaries for emotional safety.
My bond with my daughter is stronger than ever and I cannot imagine a life without her. I love waking up every morning to her enthusiastic "Mommy!" and that warmth that fills me when she hugs me. Each milestone is more exciting than the last and to see her little personality develop makes me so proud.
If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out for help and know that you are not alone. I know you think you will never come out of this, but you will. I didn't think I would and I did. I thought I was the exception, that I was broken somehow, but that's part of this sinister disease. Please keep holding on and know that it will get better!
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