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Part 1: Breastfeeding - Not for the Faint of Heart.

  Note: This blog is not intended to be a self-help guide or a replacement for professional help, but rather a story of hope and healing. I will link perinatal mental health resources at the bottom of each post.  Part 1 of 3 "You are not alone. It gets better." These are the words I clung to and the wisdom I desperately searched for while my mind was filled with nothing but terror and darkness. These are the words I heard over and over again when I first started having symptoms of what I now know to be Postpartum Depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. These are the words I eventually stopped believing. These are the the words I now tell others who are struggling. If you're reading this because you too are in darkness, I promise you  it will get better  and  you are not a bad parent.  As a clinical social worker, I thought I had a grasp on the symptoms, risk factors, and effective treatments surrounding mental illness. I knew Postpartum Depression (PP...
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Part 2: Panic Attacks and Christmas Lights

   Note: This blog is not intended to be a self-help guide or a replacement for professional help, but rather a story of hope and healing. I will link perinatal mental health resources at the bottom of each post.  Part 2 of 3 I returned to my previous therapist who knew me well and even had some experience working on a maternity ward, but in hindsight she was not equipped to handle my situation. She told me to breastfeed more often because it supposedly helps with anxiety and to eat more nutritious food, especially organic. The expectation that a new mom raising a newborn should focus on her nutrition and diet is completely unrealistic and spoiler alert - it didn’t happen. The breastfeeding did nothing for me except create more anxiety and conflict between myself and my husband because we had no idea how much our daughter was consuming. I felt like I was running a marathon without any training. I finally got an appointment with a psychiatrist and I remember frantically...
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Part 3: Name It to Tame It

    Note: This blog is not intended to be a self-help guide or a replacement for professional help, but rather a story of hope and healing. I will link perinatal mental health resources at the bottom of each post. Part 3 of 3 I've mostly addressed the OCD symptoms in these posts, but on the rare days that I wasn't consumed with anxiety, something worse took it's place. On Christmas Eve 2023, I woke up feeling completely empty. Surrounded by family, I could barely eat any dinner and as my daughter slept peacefully in my arms, I felt absolutely nothing. The feeling of nothingness is absolutely terrifying. At least when you are sad or angry, it generally comes from a place of passion. I felt like I was merely existing, but had no real purpose. I had no hopes for the future and no desire to do anything. I sat and smiled for family holiday pictures in matching pajamas while contemplating death. On Christmas Day, the anxiety returned full force. I felt like I was going to jump ou...
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